Thursday, February 26, 2015

things i love

Jesus
(the obvious things, family)
laughing, specifically taking a drink of water right before you start to laugh and then you start to laugh even harder because you already know you're doomed so what the heck, might as well
organizing
rearranging my bookshelf
listening to good music
having friends
making art
good weather
petrichor
looking at pretty things
good teachers
reading a book so good you can't put it down until you finish it
understanding the world, and that the world does not run simply on science or on arts, but that each is a way of understanding the same thing
giving compliments
baking cookies

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

in case you want to know who i am

I think you can tell a lot about a person from their music. Or at least it's interesting. I don't know if I can revive this blog, but I just had this idea, so... here you go.

Lately my Spotify most listened to albums are What A Terrible World, What A Beautiful World; The Crane Wife; All This Bad Blood; The King is Dead; Save Rock and Roll; Smoke + Mirrors; Folie a Deux; I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning; and American Beauty/American Psycho. Quite the mix, I know. (That's The Decemberists, Bastille, Fall Out Boy, Imagine Dragons, and Bright Eyes.)

I've also been enjoying Carolina Chocolate Drops and Josh Woodward, and of course the Avett Brothers, Mumford & Sons, Regina Spektor, and The Mountain Goats are old favorites.

Oh, and also whatever Mr. Koric is blasting on the smartboard speakers during Intro to Business. Love it.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Beginning of a Story

The Third-Floor Bedroom
He was an only child. He always had been, and always would be. His mother had died only moments after her final request--that he be called Henry.
Henry lived a relatively solitary, but content life. His mother’s family was wealthy, and her estate was left to him and his father. Henry’s grandfather (for whom he was named) had been a first-generation American, having migrated from Germany, and had a stroke of luck when he opened a mail delivery service, using pigeons as his carriers. Everyone knew that he had a natural gift for dealing with animals. What they did not know was that he was really a magician.
Henry loved the birds in his room. They were not real birds, of course, but somehow they always seemed to comfort him at night, when he was sad. They were painted with gold on his walls, long ago, by his grandfather. Having learned to read at a very early age out of boredom and loneliness, Henry loved to visit his grandfather’s library and read the old stories about the pigeons that carried mail. No grownups ever told Henry stories out loud at bedtime except for his nurse, Maria, and even hers did not compare to his grandpa’s stories of those seemingly magical creatures that were able to carry messages far, and wide, and faithful.
It all began when someone left the window open. It was probably Maria, always trying to get Henry to go outside. She said that some fresh air would help Henry get some meat on his bones. Henry would always think, “why would I want meat on my bones? Is Maria planning to eat me?” (He knew Maria meant well, but he often made up stories for himself about what she was plotting to do next.) He silently walked to the window and looked out. Maybe Maria was a little bit right; it was very tranquil on the lawn today, but Henry stood on tiptoe and extended his small arms as high as they would go in order to reach the top of the window, and pull down with all of his might to close it with an impressive-sounding crash.
Henry stood in front of the window for a moment and considered his reflection. (Maria did not allow mirrors, saying, “I will not raise a self-centered child!”) He had feathery, golden hair, a round face with healthy cheeks (despite his otherwise relatively gaunt figure), and blue eyes as deep as the ocean, like his mother. Sometimes he liked to imagine that any strength he did have came from his eyes; since the ocean was so strong, his eyes must be, too. Even his hardly-present father agreed with Henry about this.
Suddenly, Henry was startled by something behind him in his reflection. He spun around to face his bedroom wall with the golden birds painted on it. One was missing! Having the naturally vibrant imagination one finds in a five-year-old, Henry gasped, “it must have flown out my window!”
Henry heard a small, golden voice in his head. “Yes, she did. Turn around.” Cautiously, he turned to see another winged creature peeling off of his bedroom wall.
Startled, he jumped back. “Please, don’t you leave me, too!” he cried.
Shh,” said the voice in his head. “If you make a ruckus, that old hag Maria will hear! You can talk to me inside your head, too. You have the gift like your grandfather did.”
“How? What gift?”
“Just try it. Think golden, and I’m sure it will come to you,” said the voice.
“Okay,” said Henry. It seemed to work; the bird looked pleased.
“Very good,” it said. “My name is Bartholomew. Now that we have that down, we had best be on our way. Would you mind opening that window again?” Henry, not knowing what else to do, padded back over to the window and opened it. Bartholomew appeared to stretch his wings, then flew out of the window.
“Wait! Please don’t leave!” Henry said in his head with all of his might.
“You’re supposed to follow me. Didn’t your father tell you anything?” said Bartholomew. “Think golden. You’ll know what to do.”
Henry found himself plummeting to the ground from his third-floor bedroom window. “Help!” he cried.
GOLDEN!” said Bartholomew. Henry concentrated. He found his arms extending. Somehow he caught the air and began soaring upwards to the height of the bird. It would have been a strange sight: a golden bird and a flying, golden boy.
“Where are we going?” asked Henry.
“To find someone,” said the bird. “Just follow me.”
“Did you know my mother?”
Silence, for a moment. Henry strained his ears. There had to be a reply. “Yes. We all knew her. When she was a girl. She lived with her father, sort of  like you do,” Bartholomew answered. “She was lonely, without a mother. So, your grandfather made us for her.”
“He made you?!” Henry was beginning to feel excited. He didn’t feel alone.
“Yes, didn’t your father tell you? He should have known.”
“No,” said Henry in a small voice. His father was not always the most tender and loving, but he was still his father. Henry felt sad for a moment, but then remembered that he was flying. “I’m flying!” he said excitedly, unintentionally changing the subject.
“Yes, you are,” Bartholomew said. “You will remember this day forever. I remember the first day I flew. It was the day your grandpa made me. Your mother was there, too.” Henry did not know what he should say next. This was the most he had ever heard about his mother.
They did not talk any more until they had reached their destination: a solitary, huge tree in the middle of a field, in The Middle of Nowhere, America. As they approached the tree, Henry could see that it was hollow. This tree did not seem lonely, even though it stood alone. Henry looked up and saw hundreds of shimmering, gold, winged things perched, asleep, in its branches. He whispered, “are those--”
“Yes,” Bartholomew answered. “They are like me. And, there is who we are looking for!” One of the birds, apparently the only other one awake, swooped down from the branches and landed gracefully--goldenly--on the ground in front of Bartholomew.
“Is he the one?” Her voice seemed golden inside Henry’s head, too.
“Yes. Henry, this is Georgina,” Bartholomew explained. “Well, now that we’re all here, it is time.”
“Time for what?” asked Henry.
“That’s why we need you,” Georgina began. “I guess the simplest way to explain is just… snap your fingers. And remember--think golden.”
You may be thinking that five-year-olds don’t know how to snap their fingers, which is true. But you must remember: Henry knew how to do many things that most five-year-olds cannot. In fact, Henry had mastered snapping one rainy day alone in his grandfather’s library. So, he snapped his fingers and thought as goldenly as he possibly could.
Wonder filled his eyes. He felt like the ocean. The most magnificent thing he had ever seen was the sight of hundreds of golden flying things descending from this majestic tree, and perfectly lining up on the ground before him. “Wow,” he said aloud. “Now what should I do?”
“Give the command!” instructed Bartholomew.
“The command to what?” Henry was simultaneously extremely disoriented, confused, and having the most amazing day of his life.
“To deliver, of course! We have years to catch up on!” said Georgina, like it was the most obvious thing possible.
“His father has not told him anything,” whispered Bartholomew to Georgina.
“Oh,” said she. “Well, you just say, ‘deliver,’ dear.”
“Deliver!” was Henry’s command.
Suddenly, the tree began overflowing, somehow, with mail. The birds began to each choose a piece, and each flew off in a different direction, automatically knowing where to go. Bartholomew carefully chose a letter addressed to The Little Boy in the Third-Floor Bedroom, Vogel Estate, Almond, New York State, but Henry did not see this. As he began to stretch out his wings in preparation to take off, he was halted by the small golden voice of his master. “Are you going to leave me?” said Henry.
“Of course not,” said Bartholomew. “Follow me.”
For the whole flight, Henry made notes of landmarks and ways he could remember to find his way back to the not-lonely tree. He was, after all, the most intelligent and resourceful five-year-old who ever was. Henry became so absorbed in remembering how he would return to the tree that he did not realize to where they were flying.
    ***
Henry woke up the next day, neatly tucked into his own bed in his own pajamas. He had had the most wonderful dream last night, in which everything was golden, and he was very strong. Henry sat up, rubbed his eyes, and surveyed his third-floor bedroom. It was exactly as he had left it the night before, and all of his favorite painted golden birds were in their places on his wall. Or was it?
There was something on his dresser that was never there before, but seemed familiar. It was a letter. It was addressed to him. He opened it.
Inside, it read:
Well done, my Henry. It is just beginning. You do not have to be alone. Take care of the birds for me. You will be golden. You will be strong like the sea. And you will not be alone. It is your turn now. Think golden, and you will know what to do.
I wish I could be with you now, but this is all I can send. Do not be sad!
All of my love,
Mommy

A happy tear rolled down Henry’s cheek, and he smiled for the first time. He was not alone in his third-floor bedroom. He was not alone.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Vessel

And my favorite one, too. I got it as an eighth grade graduation present from an awesome person. For me it was a reminder to be like the clay, to be malleable, to come out of the fire [of high school] stronger, and to be a vessel. Unfortunately my favorite jar broke (which I hope isn't a bad omen). But I fixed it with gold.

I got inspired by reading about the Japanese art of Kintsugi ("golden joinery"). (However, I couldn't afford to be authentic, and I didn't really feel like using poison ivy goo as an adhesive anyway.) Obviously I'm not a Japanese potter and it turned out really bumpy and not as pretty as it had the potential to be, but at least it's prettier than just glue.

So I sat here for three days, listening to The Mountain Goats and The Avett Brothers and Regina Spektor and being kind of angry and kind of happy along with the music, which flooded my thoughts as I did a lousy job gluing the shards with the wrong kind of glue.

"Stay like the clay" is what my wandering mind wanders back to. (This reminds me of the Tolkien quote: "Not all that glitters is gold, and not all who wander are lost." What a nice idea, that one could wander in one's own head.) Be malleable. Come out of the fire stronger. A vessel is meant to be full, to hold something, to carry it, and to have a purpose. You'll break, and you'll have to be pieced back together. Hopefully whoever picks up your pieces puts you back together with gold. You may not be stronger, but you don't have to hide your brokenness. You were taken to the Earth, and to it you shall return. But until you do, you don't have to hide your brokenness.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Georgia's Book

Today makes the weekend extra long. In St. Louis when it snows, people simply can't function as humans. It's too bad, because I was actually looking forward to school today. I was supposed to visit the high school I'm probably going to.

But it's okay, since because the weekend was already long, we went to my grandma's and helped her rearrange her living room. We threw stuff away and cleaned out cabinets, finding a bunch of grandpa's stuff. I never knew he collected stamps so avidly. Hundreds of them, full albums.

The best thing, though, is this book grandma gave me that he bought at an auction. Crown Jewels.

It says: "Presented to Georgia, By Ma & Pa, Dec. 25th 1888." I like to think that Georgia read it many times. She fell asleep with her favorite Christmas present almost every night, except for the nights Ma came to tuck her in and gently took the book and put it on the washstand.
When Georgia had her own children, she read to them from her Christmas present. They always loved it, but when Georgia passed away, the book sat in a closet a victim of silverfish for many years. Then when someone finally found it, they obviously didn't remember it was grandma Georgia's favorite book and sold it to my papa in an auction. He took good care of it. Grandma put four-leaf clovers in it whenever she found them.

I like looking at things that are older than I am. I think it's good for perspective.

 
This leaf is from a tree that doesn't exist anymore. Just think of all this book holds that aren't words.
 
It makes me think of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 I just finished reading. I like at the end when he meets the people that are "bums on the outside, libraries inside." I have found, people (and books) can come in all kinds of shapes.
 
I think Georgia would be happy that her Christmas present wasn't just a present for her.
 
 
If books could be happy, I think this one would be. It gets the spot next to Glinda.



Monday, January 6, 2014

Be Magnificent

I think I figured it out. That is, ahem, why everyone loves the Doctor. Why I love the Doctor. (I'm sorry, if you're not farmiliar with Doctor Who, because this is not going to make sense, but you might enjoy reading it anyway [I hope].)

He's a good man. He's just so good.

He's a Doctor. It's in the name, the name he chose. Never cowardly or cruel. Never give up. Never give in.  He's kept that promise for a thousand years. He doesn't leave the ones he loves, because he's got no where to go, just running.

And he loves everyone. He believes in everyone. There has never been a human being that wasn't important, and he loves them all. He'd sacrifice himself in an instant if it meant that he could stop a genocide or save the Earth, the Universe, all of space-time, the future, the past, a single human that thinks she doesn't matter.

Everyone loves the Doctor because he tells you that you can be magnificent, that you are magnificent. He makes you feel that way because even though he's a thousand years old, he's been protecting the Earth, the future, your future, all that time.

And he is magnificent.

(Also it might have something to do with the fact that he's hilarious and nerdy and lovable and adorable and has a freaking TARDIS. But that doesn't sound as good.)

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Knowing

I've done some thinking and decided that I'm excited. Like, yes, because it's Christmas and that is SUPER exciting and I might write about that later, but that's not the kind of excited I am specifically talking about in this context. I am excited because I have been thinking. Like, really thinking. About lots of stuff, and maybe I'll tell you later, but that is going to take a lot of work (and typing, and time, and more thought. And reading on your part. And sorry that I am putting sentences inside of parentheses that aren't outside of a sentence.).

I am a nerd. Not just because I enjoy obscure or simply nerdy things, but because I just get really nerded-out. Like, excited. All of the time. About everything. Especially bowties. “…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. When people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ "

Lately I have been endeavoring to think as deeply as I can about everything, and especially to recognize when I am being prompted to do so (namely by teachers). I don't want to be mule-d (anyone? half-assed? no?) about it, either. Like, if I'm going to take the time to think about something for a couple of days, I want it to have an affect on me, and everyone around me.

Sometimes, someone will say something that makes everything I've been trying to fit together just snap into place. (Usually that happens in class. I'm mostly taking about school here.) That's when I get really excited. I can feel my eyes get wide. I think there's even a special excited-grin for the occasion, although I've never caught a mirror when this happens, I know how that excited-grin feels, and I imagine it to be worn with an Augustus Waters fashion.

When that happens, when I get my thinking-excited look on my face, I want people to see it. I want them to see the excited energy like a laser shooting out of my eyes and all of the machinery snapping into place in my head and how fast my heart seems like it's beating and how happy I get when I'm thinking. I want them to think: "what could possibly make her eyes look that way?"

When someone questions you, or when you question yourself, that is how you prove what you know. Sometimes you don't know the specific moment when you prove what you believe and what you believe becomes what you know. Sometimes others don't know when they question you and that causes you to know what you believe, because they didn't even ask a question. Because it's easy to believe what you know, but not nearly as easy to know what you believe.

That's what I'm talking about, that after thinking for days or for weeks, something causes me to question my thoughts in a different way, and then I know what I believe, like the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.

And when I love people, I want it to be the same. It is so hard to love everyone. But it is what we are made for. And when I figure my thoughts out, in that moment, it feels the same as when you love someone. You know, with the sort of love with which you can love anyone. That's what I wish I could constantly emulate, that I would sparkle with love an the excitedness to know, shooting out of me in every direction, for the world to see, until the world is changed and we get to go home.