Knowing

I've done some thinking and decided that I'm excited. Like, yes, because it's Christmas and that is SUPER exciting and I might write about that later, but that's not the kind of excited I am specifically talking about in this context. I am excited because I have been thinking. Like, really thinking. About lots of stuff, and maybe I'll tell you later, but that is going to take a lot of work (and typing, and time, and more thought. And reading on your part. And sorry that I am putting sentences inside of parentheses that aren't outside of a sentence.).

I am a nerd. Not just because I enjoy obscure or simply nerdy things, but because I just get really nerded-out. Like, excited. All of the time. About everything. Especially bowties. “…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. When people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ "

Lately I have been endeavoring to think as deeply as I can about everything, and especially to recognize when I am being prompted to do so (namely by teachers). I don't want to be mule-d (anyone? half-assed? no?) about it, either. Like, if I'm going to take the time to think about something for a couple of days, I want it to have an affect on me, and everyone around me.

Sometimes, someone will say something that makes everything I've been trying to fit together just snap into place. (Usually that happens in class. I'm mostly taking about school here.) That's when I get really excited. I can feel my eyes get wide. I think there's even a special excited-grin for the occasion, although I've never caught a mirror when this happens, I know how that excited-grin feels, and I imagine it to be worn with an Augustus Waters fashion.

When that happens, when I get my thinking-excited look on my face, I want people to see it. I want them to see the excited energy like a laser shooting out of my eyes and all of the machinery snapping into place in my head and how fast my heart seems like it's beating and how happy I get when I'm thinking. I want them to think: "what could possibly make her eyes look that way?"

When someone questions you, or when you question yourself, that is how you prove what you know. Sometimes you don't know the specific moment when you prove what you believe and what you believe becomes what you know. Sometimes others don't know when they question you and that causes you to know what you believe, because they didn't even ask a question. Because it's easy to believe what you know, but not nearly as easy to know what you believe.

That's what I'm talking about, that after thinking for days or for weeks, something causes me to question my thoughts in a different way, and then I know what I believe, like the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.

And when I love people, I want it to be the same. It is so hard to love everyone. But it is what we are made for. And when I figure my thoughts out, in that moment, it feels the same as when you love someone. You know, with the sort of love with which you can love anyone. That's what I wish I could constantly emulate, that I would sparkle with love an the excitedness to know, shooting out of me in every direction, for the world to see, until the world is changed and we get to go home.